By Jeremy Elwood

Knock knock?

Who’s there?

Telecom’s creative department.

Oh God, no.

Now that we’ve discovered that the Broadcasting Standards Authority is able to fine people for making frivolous complaints, can we somehow get an injunction against businesses trying to define Kiwi humour? 

Telecom’s latest attempt, the 'Abstain for the All Blacks' campaign, set to debut this weekend, is yet another example of advertising folks trying, and failing, to find the funny.

Telecom’s marketing director has claimed that the ads, encouraging people to avoid sex during the Rugby World Cup in support of our national team are “absolutely tongue in cheek, and absolutely based on what, we think, is Kiwi humour”.

Really? Your opinion of us is that low? I challenge him to try it out sometime in a Kiwi comedy club – “So, how about we don’t bonk for a month, maybe that will help us win the cup, eh? Eh? Is this thing on…” and then tell me whether it’s funny or not. Then again, coming from a company whose best joke was inadvertently hiring Richard Hammond to front the ads for the biggest car crash of a telecommunications overhaul in recent memory, I’m not going to be hiring their guys to write a sitcom anytime soon. 

Telecom thinking they have a handle on what defines our sense of humour is like Coca-Cola claiming to be the best gag writers in America, or BP claiming the Gulf oil spill was “a physical lark” in the great British tradition of Monty Python and Mr Bean.

They aren’t alone, sadly. I’ve recently flown a great number of miles on Air New Zealand, and overall, I’m a big fan. They proved their integrity during the Chilean ash cloud debacle, and their innovative edge with the Sky Couch, new Premium Economy service, and top-notch in-flight entertainment systems. However, a little bit of me dies every time they start rolling their latest attempt at making safety instructions into an entry on “New Zealand’s Most Embarrassing Videos”. Just show me where the exits are, would you, without making us all out to be naturalist homophobes with an obsession for rugby and lycra? Richard Simmons has as much to do with New Zealand culture as a Paris Hilton sex tape; and before their agency gets all excited, Cathay Pacific seem to have cornered that particular in-flight entertainment angle.

At least the idea of running 1000 sheep down Queen Street seems to have fizzled out. The idea of overseas commentators, particularly our Australian neighbours (whose own sense of humour is predominantly defined by simply being more sophisticated than ours) getting hold of the fact that we were okay with sheep but not with Boobs on Bikes was almost enough for me to revoke my citizenship.

The malaise has even reached our top political office, as witnessed by John Key’s audition tape for the Letterman show. He does realise that Rhys Darby’s portrayal of Flight of the Conchords’ hapless manager Murray was a satirical character, and not a template for leadership, right? Right?

The line between laughing with us and laughing at us is not nearly as fine as some people may think. Consider for a moment how we would react to other countries trying this kind of thing; “Put Out For The Pumas”, “Stick it in for the Springboks”, “Whack it off for the Wallabies” are all just as inappropriate, yet actually funnier, than the proposed original.

Or we could go with the general feeling that this RWC is starting to engender: “Go F%4k yourself, New Zealand”. Unfortunately, as @Hamish Keith so eloquently pointed out to me on Twitter, “Adidas has that one covered”.