Ally Mullord live blogs the Royal Wedding

Tonight I’ll be providing live updates on the Royal Wedding coverage! The last time I was this over-excited and wearing a tiara I was seven.

I expect the bride to be lovely, the groom to blush, and the groom’s father to have a glass of sherry and attempt to dance the Twist at the reception.

12.43am A final update: have just been thanked by John Campbell, under the umbrella of 'people in the newsroom who do online... stuff." You are welcome. (Dave Dobbyn tribute song time. Call me Royal.)

12.32am Double kiss! I approve. You go, Willikate. And now they go back inside, holding hands... and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of tonight's Royal Wedding, and also the end of the Royal Wedding Live Blog Broadcast Updates. Nice wedding, needed more corgis. Good night!

12.30am Was that... was that a second kiss? Or have I confused myself with a replay?

12.28am What was that? That was a peck! Several people in the office were looking the other way (like the pageboys) and missed it completely. I am disappointed.

12.27am Everyone's waving! Pageboys are waving while looking the other way.

12.26am There they are, on the balcony! She mouthed, "Oh wow" or something with similar syllables. Much waving. Much grinning. No snogging as yet, but then they are a bit early.

12.25am Prince Andrew is the 8th most popular search term right now (Harry is third, and Wills doesn't rate). Presumably related to his daughter's hat disasters, but still seems bizarre when you consider that he isn't the one getting married. Surely it must be almost kiss time?

12.18am Imagine being Wills and Kate inside B-Pal right now, millions of people roaring outside your house. Hope at least one of them has a bottle of Rescue Remedy. Or perhaps it's time for Kate's first official royal gin.

12.14am Someone in the crowd is waving an umbrella with the Australian flag on it. Unsure if they're a misguided Australian, or have just misplaced their Union Jack brolly.

12.12am Apparently there is a faction who are annoyed that Justin Bieber wasn't invited to the wedding. Good point. They should've stuffed him in the front row of that hymntastic choir, bowling pin haircut and all.

12.07am We are expecting the Balcony Kiss to be rather polite. After all, their grandmother - and half of London - is watching! I would most certainly not try anything audacious in front of my grandmother. And Elton John.

12.02am That is an ENORMOUS crowd. And they're all walking so politely! With our without their Union Jack t-shirts. Half an hour til the kiss.

11.57pm I think it's time to start taking bets on the balcony kiss. Will they angle their heads to the right, or to the left? $10 says one goes each way and they awkwardly bonk noses.

11.54pm Masses of people in Hyde Park, some still half-heartedly waving flags. Side note: am amazed that all of the main players made it through the ceremony without excessive shuffling or itching, or succumbing to a coughing fit.

11.48pm In response to the many crowd scenes we have come across tonight, I'd like to submit my own.

I know it's just a dream, but perhaps one day...

11.41pm Woman in pink fluffy cowboy hat appears to have rather missed the point. Much prefer the lady with the sign saying 'Kate you look Great and your Prince is Charming.' I know we're back to My Favourite Bystander, but I've got to find something to fill in the time until the Balcony Kiss.

11.36pm Why does the marching band all have large envelopes on their backs? Are they off-duty postmen? Or did they all come along in the hopes of getting an autograph from one of the Beckhams, and needing somewhere to put it?

11.34pm The Queen has arrived at B-Pal, followed by Charles and Camilla, the Middletons, and a whole bunch of horses. I believe it's now time to take a breather and discuss the wedding by shouting random adjectives. "Stunning! Tasteful! Elegant! Modern, yet with a nod to the traditions of the past! Traditional, yet with modern elements incorporated! Long, with hymns, but quite nice really!" Someone just said Kate looked like she genuinely enjoyed it. It's her wedding, I believe that is the point.

11.25pm Wills and Kate now disappearing into Buckingham Palace. I have no idea what happens next, but am sticking around for the Kiss on the Balcony. I think we can all agree it deserves arbitrary capitals.

11.20pm Alas, Harry has to ride with the flowergirls. I imagine that will be a source of contention at family dinners for many years to come

11.15pm Wills and Kate have matching waves! That's so cool. I hope I have this many horses at my wedding.

11.12pm Carriage is followed by several hundred horses. I don't want to make the inevitable horse poo comment, but tee hee hee, horse poo. I have seen two. It's a sad day when you see more horse poos than corgis.

11.10pm Outside the Abbey, the crowd is mental. Have never seen more flag-waving and confetti-throwing and shouting! William is helping Kate with her bouquet. And it's not raining, and there is an open-topped carriage pulled by four white horses. Oh my Goodness. This is like a Disney movie. All we need is for the newlyweds to burst into song, and perhaps the Queen flitting about with a wand.

11.08pm Kate and William are walking towards the light. Longest aisle ever.

11.05pm Clergy are on their way out. I saw a Beefeater in the background! Exciting. Sorry, back on topic - royal couple are coming out now. No speculation about what went on in the back room, but they both look a lot more relaxed.

11.02pm Aha! Royal couple back. Choir still going. Choir will be going long after everyone has left the church, lived a happy and fulfilled life, and died.

11.01pm When the Queen turns 100, who does she get a telegram from? Also, Zara's hat is on sideways.

10.55pm Spoke too soon about the hymns. 

10.55pm The Queen doesn't sing in God Save the Queen! But Prince Philip does. So glad I found that out. Although I'm a bit sad that she didn't sing "God Save one's gracious Self." Imagine Wills sings, "God Save Nana" or similar? In other news, wedding is now done. No more hymns! Wills and Kate wandering off into the bowels of the church to do whatever it is you do next. (Sorry. I could probably have looked that up ahead of time.)

10.52pm These are much better trumpet players. Just sayin'.

10.49pm Aha! Hymn. At least it's Jerusalem. Trumpet player keen to make the most of his moment of glory despite being slightly flat. Everyone outside in the street is singing! Wow.

10.47pm Message from my father: "What was your best present?" "Oh they give us a lovely hymn, wanna hear it?" Moral of today's wedding: hymns are not good presents, stick with the blender. Speaking of gifts, what are these huge gold plates Wills and Kate are standing in front of? Are they presents? From the choristers perhaps? I have no idea what's going on.

10.44pm Does anyone else think the choristers look overwhelmingly like bowling pins? Imagine if Prince Philip suddenly blew up like a pufferfish and rolled down the aisle to knock them over. IMAGINE.

10.37pm The royal couple look bored. Speech is about the fruits of the world of the spirit. Spritual fruits! William "spiritual banana" of Cambridge looks like he's about to go to sleep. Hopefully she'll pinch him before this happens.

10.35pm "In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding." What? I'm pretty sure that should I ever get married I'm not going to have a million people lining the streets and the Prime Minister in attendance. On the plus side, I would not have to have these speeches.

10.32pm There's an interesting mix of white ruffs, white collars and white bow ties in the ranks of the choir. Is it some sort of neckwear hierarchy? This is why you shouldn't have more than two hymns at your wedding. Because people will start thinking about neckwear competitions. If you need a mid-wedding nap, I would strongly recommend now. Some of you may have already napped involuntarily.

10.27pm This would be the perfect time for someone to unleash a few corgis in the back of the church. The reading is nice, but long. There's still quite a lot of wedding to go, considering that they're already married.

10.24pm Weirdly, both Wills and Kate look more stressed now than they did before they were married. Perhaps it's the hymn. I wonder if they got to choose them?

10.20pm They are now man and wife. Evidently it is time for a hymn.

10.19pm Crisis moments as ring gets briefly stuck on Kate's knuckle! Is on now though. Archbishop has taken his hat off. I'm not sure why. RINGS ON: HAT OFF. Archbishop's rules. 

10.17pm Vows time. William Arthur Several Other Middle Names and Kate are holding hands, repeating vows, and grinning at each other. It is nauseating.

10.13pm Hymn time! Come on people, you're at a royal wedding, make an effort to sing along. Behind the woman with the preposterous flower hat, though, is a young man who appears to think he's on the stage and is opening his mouth and roaring to the heavens. Not better. About to start the ceremony proper. I hope it will be interesting.

10.08pm Kate and Will now at altar. They're both giggling. There is a lot of giggling in this wedding. Except from Prince Philip. He seems like more of a chuckler.

10.06pm This is the longest aisle ever.

10.05pm Oh, this is nice! She looks really excited. Also, her tiara is far nicer than mine. William and Harry are trotting up towards the, um, bit where you get married that I have temporarily forgotten the name of (sorry). William looks stoked! Everyone is grinning. It's really sweet.

10.03pm Dress is lovely and best of all, the train only requires one person to hold it up. Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen. Kate is now at the bottom of the aisle. Please don't trip over, Kate.

10.01pm Oooooh!

10.00pm Kate about to hop out of the car. Am braced for the chorus of "Oooooh!"

9.58pm Pageboys.

9.58pm Flowergirls and whatever the male equivalent of flowergirls is are now entering the Abbey. Flowerboys wearing tiny, gold-braided uniforms! So cute. I want to buy one.

9.56pm First proper glimpse of Kate's face. She is smiling. Thank goodness. Veil is thin enough that you can see her face well, and she's still waving! Pre-wedding exercise routine must have included significant amount of upper arm strengthening.

9.53pm Kate! Hopping into car. Sneak peek at the dress, which is white. (Surprise!) There is a train, there is a veil, there is lace over the shoulders and she's got a bouquet. None of these things are particularly surprising, but it's still nice to finally get a glimpse at the elusive gown. Kate is now enroute and waving to the crowd, far more energetically than either Wills or the Queen managed.

9.51pm Queen now out of the car. Dress colour described as 'primrose' but it is definitely yellow. You may have guessed that the hat matches. The Queen looks awesome. (Not that I would wear that, but it looks great on her.) She is grinning and wearing pearls. Prince Philip looks very appropriate.

9.48pm Bridesmaids enroute. The party, people, is finally starting.

9.45pm Charles and Camilla have arrived. They both look very nice and have gone into the church but we don't get to see what happens next, because here comes the Queen! Evidently I am excited about this. Don't pretend you aren't, just a little bit.

9.43pm A peek at the Queen! Her car is behind Charles and Camilla's but she's definitely enroute, and wearing yellow. Let us hope she looks like a stately buttercup, and not like a pat of butter. Also spotted: flowergirls, who have classic little-girl gowns and tiny circlets with white flowers in adorning their heads.

9.42pm Beatrice and Eugenie looking remarkably presentable apart from weird hats. I can't remember which is which but they both look like slightly home-made versions of Lady Gaga! The one in pink has a particularly ridiculous hat. Looks like somoene has attempted to do some rolled paper art on her forehead but thought better of it halfway through. Oh dear.

9.37pm Here come Beatrice and Eugenie, along with a clatter of young royalty (if you know a better collective noun, let me know.) Not overly exciting, all appear sober and are fully dressed. Charles and Camilla are now approaching, brace yourselves. Someone in the office just said, "Drink if she looks like a horse!" which I felt was rather unkind.

9.32pm Carole and James Middleton have arrived. Still no corgis.

9.31pm There are now mini-vans of young royals arriving. Mini-vans! Can only assume they're attempting to reduce their carbon footprint, but it is faintly ridiculous.

9.27pm Mother of the bride now arriving. No further corgis.

9.21pm Prince Harry is giggling. Why? Also, have managed to catch a replay of Julia Gillard. White jacket, blue hat, looks pleased to be there. Feel better about that now. Perhaps Harry also spotted her and was giggling at redheaded injoke.

9.19pm Crowd roaring, bells ringing, William and Harry hopping out at the Abbey. Both princes look happy but are fiddling with their cuffs. Terrible habit. Prince Watch: inside church (and now shaking hands with various important-looking people).

9.16pm William, who looks happy, is waving out the window of the car. Harry isn’t bothering. Come on, Harry! What about the people on your side of the road?

9.13pm Here come William and Harry! In a car with a little crown above the windscreen (I know you guys like to know the details.) William in red uniform jacket and white hat; Harry not in a Nazi costume (sigh of relief). They’re driving down to the Abbey and the crowd is more or less exploding.

9.09pm We’re starting to see pictures of Clarence House, which is soon going to disgorge William and Harry from its stately innards. No sign of either of them, not even a flash of red hair at a window, but presumably presence of cameras implies that they’ll be out in the nearish future. William is a minute late. Tsk tsk.

9.04pm No royals. Quite a few politicians, though, and an awful lot of people who appear to be trying to win favour by taking fashion advice from the Queen. I wonder if the happy couple are going to have a first dance at the reception and if so, what will it be to? One suspects Aerosmith's 'Don't Wanna Miss A Thing' is right out.

9.00pm Exactly one hour til the service. Someone in the office just said, “Oh goodness.” Someone else just said Nick Clegg’s wife was saucy. I’m about ready to see some royals!

8.58pm Aha! Here are the Keys. They look very presentable and neither of them have fallen over. A triumph for the country. Julia Gillard has also rocked up but I was trying to find my pen and unfortunately did not manage to see her outfit. Sorry and hope for a replay.

8.53pm Much excitement at St Andrews, where Kate and Wills met - by 'excitement' I mean people milling about. Am renaming this the International Day of Bunting and Milling About. Back to the Abbey please, I want to see if John Key’s arrived yet.

8.47pm I want Hilary Barry’s William and Kate umbrella.

8.46pm Here’s Elton John! He looks very respectable and has not brought the baby. Big wave from him and David.

8.40pm Princess Anne, less important cousins and similar royals are now leaving for the church. At least we think it’s them, the cars are going quite quickly and it’s difficult to see. More on this when they hop out.

8.22pm Sorry I got so excited about the Beckhams. It’s just been quite a dull couple of hours so far, that’s all. David Beckham had a top hat but was not wearing it, just carrying it as trendy accessory. Hmm. New look for winter: The Carried Top Hat?

8.20pm Ooh! Ooh it’s the Beckhams! Most exciting part of the evening so far, hands down. They look very nice, although Posh’s hat looks like it’s being attached by a maimed spider. Sorry Posh.

8.17pm Am very keen to see whether the Queen sings along with God Save the Queen and, if she does, she sings ‘God Save the Me’ or perhaps ‘God Save Oneself.’

8.12pm Some of these royal wedding guests look distinctly grumpy. One older woman seems to be holding something that looks like a cushion, perhaps to make the time until the wedding party arrives a little more comfortable? Doubt she’ll get away with it.

8.05pm Nice photomontage of Kate, for those of us who had forgotten what she looks like. Kate on a bicycle! Kate in a bikini, oo-er. Kate laughing. Kate hiding behind her hands. Kate…dancing with Harry? Wait, that’s not right.

8.00pm Continuing shots of zooming over crowds. Much flag-waving. Anticipate increase in complaints of tennis elbow.

Please let this happen

7.50pm New favourite attendee is the gentleman wearing a suit made entirely of tartan. This is a fashion extravaganza.

7.47pm A military-type chap has just entered wearing an enormous hat with a feather in it.  The person sitting behind him is going to be annoyed

7.42pm Guests still arriving. Just saw a woman who looks like she’s wearing a couch cover turn in an almost complete circle in the middle of the aisle. Age-old tradition of milling about in church continues!

7.35pm Guests still filing in and will, I suspect, be doing so for some time. Enormous hats for the ladies, kilts and gold braid for the men. Whole thing looks like Race Day at the Caledonian Society.

7.33pm First guests arriving! Fourth cousins and things. A bit too far away to tell, but I’d like to think they look excited. Apparently "an amazing wall of fragrance" when they walk in. Hope it is a nice fragrance.

7.22pm Just in case John Key doesn’t actually get to meet Elton John, here is a photo which he – well, which either of them – can print out and put on the mantelpiece.

John meets John

7.20pm New Zealand Prime Minister John Key (NZPMJK) and Mrs Bronagh Key are on having a chat about their outfits. She looks very nice. More importantly, they match! NZPMJK’s suit has been washed with greenstone, which is better than being washed with a receipt in the pocket. NZPMJK is excited to about seeing Elton John. Aren’t we all!

7.16pm “The crowd is swelling.” Indeed. In fact a woman in the front row looks like she’s about to burst

7.14pm Just saw a fantastic crowd shot of people wearing the Union Jack around their shoulders and… Burger King crowns. Can’t work out whether or not that’s disrespectful.

7.10pm I wonder if anyone is getting Royal Wedding tattoos? If you’re planning on getting one, please let me know.

7.06pm Sky News is reporting that Willikate will be taking the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge as titles. I know this probably isn’t how it works, but I can’t help imagining an elderly couple sitting sadly at the dinner table saying, “Oh… oh, Margaret, I was so enjoying being the Duke.”

7.00pmImagine if they had a corgi as the ringbearer! That would be delightful. That would truly make this the wedding of the century. Still no wedding guests arriving, but on the plus side someone has brought me a snack. I hear it's 20 degrees in London, with a light northeasterly breeze.

6.52pm Or wearing your jandals. That would also be bad.

6.51pm Earlier in the day, overheard someone musing, “What does the Royal Wedding mean for New Zealand?” Pretty sure that unless Mr or Mrs Key commits a major faux pas the answer is ‘very little.’ In case you’re curious about what constitutes a major faux pas, I presume answering your phone in the service (especially as I’ve always assumed John Key’s ringtone is either ‘Loyal’ or ‘Nature’) would rank highly.

6.40pm An hour before anyone starts arriving! That’s actually quite a long time, isn’t it. Maybe we should play a game. I hear there’s some sort of drinking game based around the wedding, but obviously I do not advocate this sort of reckless behaviour. Have one for me though.

6.33pm First guests arrive at Westminster Abbey in an hour. (I know that's how you spell Abbey, but it really doesn't look right.) In related news, have never heard so many people using the word ‘bunting.’ They should rename this International Bunting Day.

6.27pm You would think, in this modern day and age, that they might have considered a Facebook event and invitation. “The Queen has invited you to an event on Facebook. The Royal Wedding, happening 29 April. Are you attending? Yes/No/Maybe.” But then I suppose those dignitaries not lucky enough to be invited might get annoyed and start posting pointed status updates or, worse, defriending. ‘Why wasn’t I invited? Even New Zealand was invited!’

6.12pm Think it is very charitable of everyone to assume the woman popping into Kate’s hotel with a blanket over her head was Alexander McQueen dress designer Sara Burton. I’d put my money on a last-minute leg wax

6.10pm Time for a potted history of Prince William, handy for those of us who weren’t quite sure who he was. Two billion people watching the wedding apparently! The happy couple must be nervous. Hopefully William doesn't follow the example of the groom at a wedding I went to recently and attempt to shove the ring on the wrong hand. 

6.05pm Many interviews with people sharing their wedding day with Willikate. Not sure I’d be completely keen on that. “I’d love to come, but I’ve got to watch the Royal Wedding on telly.”

6.00pm Nothing has happened yet. My tiara is starting to dig into my head.