Breakup DOs and DON'Ts: Maintaining your dignity through painful breakups

From stalking to insomnia, things can get pretty cringe worthy

When your heart gets broken, your brain shatters beside it.  It is a phenomenon that repeats itself time and time again in history - ill breakup behaviour.  Why is it when a loved one hurts you, you act in ways you normally would never dream of?

From stalking to insomnia, things can get pretty cringe worthy.  In fact, rationality decomposition is so common during break up's that in some countries employers have allotted time into employee contracts for sick leave, annual leave, and "heartbreak leave".

Basically, people don't want your insane, dejected, and nearly non-functioning self wallowing around at work and spreading your breakup disease to other staff.  Fair enough.  So, what's the best way to handle a relationship dissolve that you don't want to happen?

I'm a dating expert and I've watched enough breakups to know some very basic concepts that must be adhered to.  Follow these, and I promise you'll come out better for it.

DO:

1. Cry and crawl into your pain cave alone.
   Don't drag your ex in with you, and take as little friends and family with you on your downward slide as possible.  This is a lone ranger journey unfortunately.  You'll get through it, and of course you need the support of friends, but in the end, this is about you.  Do it alone, and do it only for a short time.  Although part of the process, it needs an endpoint. 
2. Get busy and stay busy. 
   Go the gym. Visit old friends. Take up a new hobby, but don't curl up with the memory of your ex. This is sadomasochistic. Avoid it at all costs.
3. If you need it, get help. 
   There are tons of break up books, online information, and group or one-on-one help out there.  Utilise it.  That's what it's there for. 

 

1. Beg or try to convince him/her to stay.
   This is hyper unattractive. Swallow your panicky, desperate instincts. 
   
2. Sleep with him/her.
   This is the biggest break up mistake of all. Although sex with the ex is hot, if you're the dumped one, you just can't and shouldn't do it.  They broke up with you, so they gave up play ground rights in that instant.  They are not going to love you again because of a steamy sex session on a Wednesday afternoon.  They will get off, see you out the door, and start eyeing a colleague at work the very next day without a glimpse backward at a faint memory of you.  If they want you, they want the full package.  If not, they can move on. 
3. Call him/her.
   A phone call is only a short moment of instant gratification, if it’s even that at all. Most likely, the conversation will not go down like the fairytale you have in your head, so leave it. If they want to talk to you, they will call you.  If they don't call, they don't want to hear your voice. Easy as that. 
4. Stay in touch with mutual friends.
   Although you've become good friends with his/her friends during your time together, these people are his/her territory first, not yours. Your territory consists of the people you had in your life before you met your partner. Those are the boundaries. Stick to them. A single announcement of the break up to the people in his/her territory is enough. Let them know you'd like to hear from them, but let them come to you. Also, the more you're around these people, the more temptation and opportunity you'll find to ask what's happening in your ex's life. Ignorance during the first few months is bliss. Protect that.
5. Holding on to his/her stuff.
   Pictures, letters, emails, etc..., are just reminders of what was. It no longer is like that.  Remove these sources of pain. Hide them. Give them to a friend to lock away for a bit. Have a bonfire. Throw them in the trash. Do whatever it takes, but don't live in the past. Move on. 
6. Online Stalk.
   Stay away from Social Networking sites. There is way too much anguish to be swallowed here. Out of sight, out of mind really is the policy for break ups. Stalk surfing is self destructive behaviour at its finest. It will whittle away at your soul, and your insanity seed will blossom in the process.  This is unattractive.  This is the type of behaviour that not only makes your ex run in the opposite direction from you, but your friends will also start looking at you sideways.  Don't lose self respect and your circle of support by making this break up mistake.
7. Jump into a new relationship.
   You aren't emotionally stable enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Take this time to be with friends and do the things you haven't in a long time. I promise your happiness, self-esteem, and mystery is waiting in these pockets. 

 
Although it doesn't seem like it, the truth is you will heal.  You will come to terms with what happened.  You will be stronger when all is said and done, but meanwhile, as you float in a sea of agony day after day, you should focus all your energy into doing the above stated DO'S and DONT'S.

These steps are key.  If you do this, then your dignity will remain intact, and dignity is attractive.

If you don't want the break up to happen, then remaining as attractive as possible in your ex's eyes is the first step to reeling them back into your loving arms.

I know a break up makes you feel like you can't even open your eyes in the morning, so doing these things will take the self-discipline of the Dali Lama.  I swear though every person in the world has the strength to do it.

Test yourself.  You'll feel better for it, and your ex will be left with the memory of an amazingly courageous person who loved him/her, but didn't need him/her....and that's what we all want out of partner.

Sasha Madarasz is an Introduction Agent for Two's Company. If you’re currently single and looking for someone fabulous, let Two’s Company take the guesswork out of dating. Find out more at www.twoscompany.co.nz or phone Sasha on 0800 021 522