How to tell if you're with a commitment-phobe
Thu, 26 Jul 2012 1:48p.m.
By Sasha Madarasz
I have run an introduction agency called Two’s Company for nine years and been privileged to see many first dates turn into successful relationships. Happily engagements and weddings have followed.
It all sounds so easy doesn’t it? However we all know the saying “true love never does run smooth”. In reality going from “nice to meet you” to “I do” can be one of life’s most difficult achievements.
When you start out with two people who genuinely both want a committed relationship, it is still not without it’s challenges. However what do you do if you are with a commitment phobe? For that matter, how do you know if your loved one is commitment phobic?
It’s perfectly normal to have a little bit of doubt when making a major life transition. People today are acutely aware of the consequences if the relationship fails to work out. The emotional suffering generated by a break up is devastating; teamed with the financial losses of divorce proceedings. Often people will delay anything that will drastically change their lives….and those that have been married and divorced can be scared of going through it all again. Naturally people want to be sure they are making the best possible choice before taking the plunge.
By and large this is normal…and good. We all benefit from knowing that the person we are with really thought things through and decided YES!! They absolutely wanted to be with us!!
On the flipside though is the “commitment phobe”. They are overloaded with FEAR regarding commitment. They are afraid of making poor decisions, of lost options. They have negative beliefs about commitment and relationships, which could be caused or triggered by any number of things. They may have felt out of control, hurt or trapped in the past and now their mind is over protecting them from feeling that way again.
The word FOREVER terrifies them. They are not afraid of love, but what it represents. The commitment phobe can love however they will also feel an intense need to be free.
It is important to know that this phobia has nothing to do with you!
Here are some common signs to look for:
- *Will hint they are looking for a serious relationship.
The hardest part for the person on the receiving end is the seduction/ rejection factor. The commitment phobe is afraid to give totally to the relationship but can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the person when they don’t see them, but want to run away when they get involved again! It is on off. Hot and cold. Chase, pursue then ignore or vanish in a cycle that is very painful for the other party.
So what can you do if you are stuck going round in circles with someone like this?
First; realise that your love and attention won’t change them! However NOT needing them and giving them space MIGHT.
You must pull back and stay independent.
Allow yourself time to think…..do you really have the patience and time to give to this FEAR?
My advice is to go on and live your life. Have fun! Keep positive, create new experiences, learn new things, grow and meet new people!!
The great thing about all my clients at Two’s Company is that each and every one of them want to meet someone special and have a committed relationship. Intentions are established. It’s just a matter of getting the perfect combination!
To find out more about how Two’s Company can help you meet the right singles visit www.twoscompany.co.nz or phone Sasha 0800-021-522.
Post a Comment
Before commenting, please take the time to read our moderation guide
(Won't be published)
10/08/2012 1:20:49 p.m.
•He will treat you more like a mistress or a friends with benefits rather than a bonafide girlfriend.Hmm call it bitterness if you want to, maybe their is. But are you saying money is no barrier and that women dont care?? If you were judged by your skin color you woud be bitter, if you were judged soley by money you would be bitter. The media writes misandry weekly about how their are not enough financially secure men for women. Is that Bitter. Agencies discriminate based on income and women get to choice the guy not the other way around. Its time to expose these agencies.fact? guys face it harder to get dates due to status and income, that is a fact backed up by research. Are you saying thats not true?
7/08/2012 3:49:20 p.m.
Wow - this was a good way to confirm I am a commitment-phobe....would have been nice to read some advice on that. To be fair to Jim the article does say "he" at one point. Oh, and I'm a woman, so yes Jim they definitely are out there.
4/08/2012 5:58:59 p.m.
Jim, I think you're colouring this article with your perceptions and maybe bitterness. Apart from ONE of the things to look for, this article does not single out men. It completely reads as commitment-phobic PEOPLE, not commitment-phobic men.
27/07/2012 7:34:46 p.m.
Another dating agency, run by a women and for women, And another article having a digg at men?? What about committment phobic women? Because it seems a guy needs cash and a career to get a girl, why dont you try to look at it ffrom a guys angle. Its time for a male run agency so stop your drivel.
27/07/2012 12:57:25 p.m.
Thanks, far too much compromising for me, from what I see of many relationships. I have a good job & career, disposable income, living comfey in a central studio apartment, a passport. Why would I want someone who will just want to change me and are never happy until they do, then in a decade back to being single again, because irve changed.
Car manufacturer Ford has announced that it's stopping vehic...
In a medical first, doctors used plastic particles and a 3D ...
More than 50 New Zealanders die of asthma every year – about...
A spokesperson has confirmed today tourists will be able to ...
A visiting researcher says New Zealand needs to do more to h...
Copyright © 2013 MediaWorks TV. All Rights Reserved.