Captains clash: Richie McCaw left, the best captain in the world, up against Horwill.... James. Home, James. You're going home, James.
Rugby World Cup 2011 brings you semi final 2 with New Zealand about to smash Australia tonight in Eden Park,Auckland. Join us for LIVE VIDEO UPDATES – or visit the multimedia live streaming updates.
Refresh your browser occasionally. We’ll warn you when video is up with the words ‘VIDEO UP’ (even an Aussie could follow that).
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LIVE COMMENTARY... All Blacks 20 – 6 Other Team
ALL VIDEO UP!
Thanks for tuning in to tonight's completely biased commentary. It was all in good fun, and no offence to our friends across the ditch was intended. The Wallabies weren't allowed to play, and that's entirely due to their opposition being on another level.
Richie McCaw gracious in victory. A true captain's knock from the man in the number seven jumper, and he can't get the smile off his face.
FULL TIME - THE ALL BLACKS ARE THROUGH TO THE RUGBY WORLD CUP FINAL.
79 mins - Hey, thanks for coming to our World Cup, Wallabies. Been really great having you here. Remember that time you lost to Ireland? Yeah, that was funny as hell too. See you next weekend, Les Blues.
78 mins - PENALTY ALL BLACKS! HANDS IN THE RUCK.
75 mins - YELLOW CARD! Sonny Bill's in the bin for a bit of a shoulder charge, hardly yellow card worthy. The softest "no-arms" call, probably ever.
73 mins - Two try buffer, All Blacks soaking up time, Cory Jane's nose still bleeding, doesn't care. C'mon lads, hold them out.
71 mins - PENALTY ALL BLACKS! Weepu sends it straight down the middle. All Blacks 20 - Other Team 6. Sonny Bill on for Ma'a Nonu.
70 mins - All Blacks with numbers on the left... Big Brad Thorn storms ahead, and almost slips the pass clean to a charging Ma'a Nonu, but he just slips and loses it. Scrum to the Wallabies... AND GET THAT DOWN YA, CONVICTS! HUGE AB'S SCRUM! Marches right over them, and the All Blacks get the penalty.
68 mins - Hell yes! Awesome turnover from Tony Woodcock. Back slapping and high-fives from the boys in black. I haven't seen them this psyched up. Richie McCaw thumps Pocock to the ground with a huge tackle there too. Master and wannabe right there. Ellis goes to the blood bin - half his face is smothered in blood. This is hardcore.
65 mins - TIGHTHEAD! This All Black scrum is just blasting the Other Team's eight-man huddle (because it's not a scrum) off the pitch. Pocock is losing his temper out there, and the All Blacks win a penalty. Cruden is stepping up for the kick... has the distance, but goes just to the right.
63 mins - Arrgh, damn! Big rolling play from the AB's forwards, led by the man of the hour Kieran Read. They crouch closer and closer to the try line, but get pinged for holding on in the tackle. Other Team has the line out.
61 mins - HUGE pressure from the All Blacks! Pocock steals the ball and flicks it back to Genia, who gets monstered by McCaw. You can't school the master, Davey. The ball comes back for Justin Beiber/James O'Connor, and he punts it out.
59 mins - A little bit of a waste of play from the All Blacks. They rumble nicely up field and set Cruden up for the drop kick, and it's absolutely god awful. The Other Team nail it down field, but Israel Dagg's boot won't be questioned, and slots it way back into Wallaby territory.
58 mins - Interesting change from the All Blacks - Andy Ellis on for Piri Weepu
56 mins - Penalty All Blacks! Weepu lines up shot at goal...giant kick on the angle, 50 metres out.... and it's away to the right. Soaked up some nice time too.
54 mins - Another superb tackle from Aaron Cruden. He's going low, around the ankles, just the way your Under 7's coach told you to. The ball spills back, and that man again, Aaron Cruden, drills it deep into Wallaby territory. Berrick Barnes makes the save and kicks it out just inside Wallaby territory.
51 mins - The no-look pass from Israel Dagg comes to nothing, after a nice period of phase play from the All Blacks. Kieran Read knocks head with Samo, and the Other Team's big-boofhaired number eight comes off second best. The Wallaby scrum has been slaughtered so far, and let's see what happens when Genia feeds this one.
49 mins - Another accidental muck up from the Other Team. Genia goes for a flash-in-the-pan back pass, and collides with one of his own players. The Other Team is a front-foot team, and their tricks only work when they're firing. They're not quite there at the moment, but the All Blacks need to be wary. Confident, but wary.
47 mins - Penalty All Blacks, Other Team holding on. McCade goes into the blood bin again, so we welcome back Berrick Barnes back onto the field. Weepu punts it into touch.
45 mins - Sustained period of play from the Other Team, phase after phase, but some solid defence from the All Blacks. It spills back on the Kiwis side, and Dagg kicks it into touch.
41 mins - Other Team with a big overlap on the left, and McCade runs straight into noted midfielder Owen Franks, who smothers him. Noted openside Piri Weepu snaps it up, and some clown called Quade takes him out at the ruck. Can't do that, sunshine. Weepu lines up a shot at goal... no problem with that at all, and that's 100 points in test rugby for him. All Blacks 17 - 6 Other Team.
41 mins - Back underway in the Good Guys vs Other Guys comedy show. 40 minutes to destiny. Can the All Blacks do it?
VIDEO UP: More match highlights.
Half time - The All Blacks can be pleased with that first half. Tenacious, powerful, and uncompromising. This is a side that has come here to play. The Other Team has subsisted on scraps, and haven't been able to get into the game at all. A few small errors from the Good Guys at the end, but no big. HALF TIME - All Blacks 14, Other Side 6.
39 mins - Weird bit of play from the AB's there. Cruden puts in a little dab which is collected pretty well by the Other Team. Adam Ashley Cooper hacks it ahead, and Dagg has a wee moment and knocks it on from the chase. Other Team gets a scrum.
36 mins - Weepu slots this, will do his confidence a world of good. All Blacks 14 - 6 Other Team.
35 mins - Wallabies ruled offside due to shear, unbridled, incompetence. Weepu will have a shot here.
33 mins - Try as they might, the other side is being met with some ferocious All Black defence. Kieran Read and Kaino have been immense... and they win a penalty! Other Team can't help but dive in over the top (cheating, it's natural). Weepu kicks for touch.
31 mins - Quade gets a droppy. Good for him, I guess. All Blacks 11 - 6 Wallabies.
VIDEO UP - Highlights of the recent play up.
30 mins - Mighty All Black front row penalised for something... probably going to ground. Decent kick from the other team, and they're doing some sort of attacking thing.
27 mins - Knock on from Woodcock. Just a little bit nervy, nothing to get worried about. But they're playing like men possessed out there.
25 mins - Quade is choking out there. Tries for a little box kick which goes nowhere, then after the Convicts do some mildly good ruck work, he kicks it out on the full. Funny.
24 mins - Kahui murders Cooper, what a tackle. Just lined him up and slaughtered him.
22 mins - DROP GOAL CRUDEN! That's how we roll back in the 'Tu. A convict leaves the field with a bloody nose. Possibly crying. All Blacks 11 - 3 Other Team
20 mins - Beautiful across-field kick from Piri, that James O'Connor/Justin Beiber has no choice but to run over the touch line. Good Guys will want some points here.
18 mins - Weepu misses. This is just part of the suspense, he'll start slotting them left, right, and centre any minute now.
17 mins - Wallaby front row folds like a deck of cards. Embarrassing. Do they realise this isn't league, and that scrums kind of matter? Good Guys get a penalty, and Weepu looks at the posts.
16 mins - Knock-on from Quade Cooper. Is there anything funnier than seeing Quade Cooper making mistakes? Not really.
14 mins - King Richie unfairly pinged for something at the ruck. The Wobbilies might have a chance go get some points or something. Can we talk more about the try? Yeah, that try owned. Penalty for the other team. All Blacks 8 - Other Team 3.
11 mins - Cruden breaks up field, throws a beautiful dummy (as only a Manawatu man can) and gets ankle tapped. PENALTY ALL BLACKS! Pocock or someone in yellow doesn't know how to play, and Piri has another chance to show how awesome he is. He walks in... and that's straight down the middle. All Blacks 8 - Other Team 0.
VIDEO UP - Nonu's opening try.
8 mins - All Blacks thieve the Wallabies lineout, and drive it up. Pocock gets penalised, because he's a filthy cheat and that's what happens. Weepu lines up the shot... and it bounces off the post. No biggy, Piri. Just take your time.
5 mins - Weepu misses the conversion, but we love him anyway. All Blacks 5, Other Team 0.
5 mins - It's been 100% All Blacks so far. The ball spins wide to Dagg WHO STEPS OFF THE RIGHT, THROWS THE FEND, AND FLICKS IT ON THE INSIDE TO NONU! TRY ALL BLACKS!
2 mins - The AB's start with a hiss and a roar. Weepu plants the ball a couple of metres from the Wallabies line, and it all starts from there. A strong few phases, until Cruden passes the ball out in search of Jane. Doesn't matter, Wallabies don't know what the hell's going on.
Kick off - The Wallabies will kick off, playing right to left. AND OH HOLY AHAHAHA, Quade kicks the ball out from the kick off. That's just about the funniest damn thing I've seen since... well... the game started.
Standing by for the national anthems. A nice wee little ditty for the Wallabies, and then a 60,000 strong bellowing of God Defend New Zealand.
The two teams receive the call onto the field. Well, there's one team, and some guys in yellow making up numbers.
The first Wallaby has been seen inspecting Eden Park.
15 mins to kick off: We're 15 minutes away from Operation Wobbilies Get Owned. Conditions at Eden Park couldn't be better, and that's entirely due to the fact Eden Park is in New Zealand. Odds are if it were played in Brisbane, or Sydney, or Wagga Wagga, it'd be in a tornado-storm. There'd be kangaroos on the field too, just bouncing about.
20 mins to kick off - Can't stop laughing thinking about the All Blacks winning (it's going to happen).
30 mins to kick off - It blows my mind to think that in a little more than two hours, Australia will be out of the Rugby World Cup.
1 hour to kick off - Next weekend's match is going to be tough to pick. Wales will be looking to end this cup on a high, but Australia will be wanting to make amends what has been an embarrassing campaign. Think I'll throw a cheeky tenner on the Welsh. There's no shame in coming third, but plenty of shame in coming fourth, which is the best the Wallabies can hope for, really.
Kick off is at 9pm and we’ll start commentary just before. Australian fans, feel free to start crying before that.
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Teams
New Zealand All Blacks: 15-Israel Dagg, 14-Cory Jane, 13-Conrad Smith, 12-Ma'a Nonu, 11-Richard Kahui, 10-Aaron Cruden, 9-Piri Weepu, 8-Kieran Read, 7-Richie McCaw ©, 6-Jerome Kaino, 5-Sam Whitelock, 4-Brad Thorn, 3-Owen Franks, 2-Keven Mealamu, 1-Tony Woodcock.
Reserves: Andrew Hore, Ben Franks, Ali Williams, Victor Vito, Andy Ellis, Stephen Donald, Sonny Bill Williams.
Australia Wallabies: 15-Adam Ashley-Cooper, 14-James O'Connor, 13-Anthony Faingaa, 12-Pat McCabe, 11-Digby Ioane, 10-Quade Cooper, 9-Will Genia, 8-Radike Samo, 7-David Pocock, 6-Rocky Elsom, 5-James Horwill (captain), 4-Dan Vickerman, 3-Ben Alexander, 2-Stephen Moore, 1-Sekope Kepu
Reserves: 16-Tatafu Polota-Nau, 17-James Slipper, 18-Rob Simmons, 19-Ben McCalman, 20-Luke Burgess, 21-Berrick Barnes, 22-Rob Horne.
Pregame banter
Well here we go… the big one, the All Blacks totally dismembering our Aussie cousins from across the ditch and marching on to hand a hiding to the limpet mine-carrying nation in the final.
Fair cop Aussies, may your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down.
The Wallabies come to our Eden Park fortress having not won here since 1986… 25 more years, boys.
Quade Cooper will toss his toys again no doubt - he’s lived with the like for too long and it’s rubbed off. Meanwhile, Richie McCaw is about to man-handle that Pocock fella. Dagg will make space and carve up anything that hangs off him and Piri is determined to make the green and gold cry.
Enough said really, so forget the pre-game banter, here’s some friendly folly fire at the convicts from the island.
…An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my country......" The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words. Then the New Zealanders ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried, "I am doing this for all countries."
… What do you call an Aussie with half a brain ? Gifted.
… If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first ? The blonde - the other two don't exist.
… What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians? At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
… A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
…It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
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