Tue, 08 Dec 2009 2:14p.m.
Dearest Kiwi delegation,
Goddag! No, that’s not an excerpt from one of your MP’s emails, it means hello in Danish! We welcome you to Copenhagen. Word has reached us that you were not entirely sure if you wanted to visit or not; which seems odd as so many of your compatriots seem to love visiting our continent, even when they should really be at work. So we would like to take this opportunity to point out the many similarities between our two fine homes.
For a start, did you know that Copenhagen is situated on two islands, one of which is called Zealand? It’s not the Zeeland your nation was named after, but we are sure if you say that it is, most of your population would not know any different. Also, Copenhagen has a similar population to your own Auckland, and both appear regularly on lists of the most livable cities in the world. You win when it comes to climate, we win when things like public transport and political clarity come into play.
Speaking of play, we are passionate about sport. Whilst we do play Rugby, Football (or Soccer, as you call it) is our favourite. We hear you have only recently learned to play this game, so perhaps we could give you some lessons? Also, like you, we play cricket very, very badly.
We understand your nation has a binge-drinking culture. Us too! In terms of beer consumption per capita, we place almost halfway between you and Australia. So while you are here, be sure to visit the Carlsberg brewery.
Our most famous landmark is a statue – The Little Mermaid. It is not dissimilar to your own Pania of The Reef, except that ours has only ever been decapitated, never stolen. We also have the Tivoli Gardens, one of the oldest Amusement parks in the world, behind only one to our North and, if the condition of its rides is anything to go by, your own Rainbow’s End.
When we travel, our citizens often get mistaken for those of our neighbouring countries. This fact offends us, as we consider ourselves smarter, humbler and less irritating than, say, the Swedes. We think you will understand. Also, like your own, the majority of our population speaks English with an unusual accent, which provides much merriment for overseas visitors.
So hopefully you now see that, regardless of what happens at the Climate Change Conference, your trip with be worthwhile. If nothing else, you will receive firsthand experience of how a small remote nation can host thousands of overseas guests at great expense to its taxpayers, in anticipation of an end result which will ultimately turn out to be futile, in advance of your own Rugby World Cup.