Opinion by Dylan Moran
It’s often said, “adversity is the breeding ground of the strongest team”.
If this is true, there is no stronger team than the 2011 Crusaders and the Reds are about to feel the full force of Cyclone Canterbury.
In many ways I feel for the Reds, and the thrashing they’re about to receive. Every year our trans-Tasman neighbours are able to, mainly out of necessity, convince themselves there is a world-beater in their ranks.
When the Brumbies were there or thereabouts, that was respectable. When the Waratahs recruited another league convert in Mat Rogers it was laughable, and now the best they have to offer is a bunch of pumped up Aussies and Kiwis who were deemed too dysfunctional to even play for the Hurricanes.
No, no, no. Those who know me know I don’t pay the South Island XV many compliments, but this year’s Crusaders are a vintage crop.
And you know what the best bit about it is? Barely any of them came under the tutelage of that traitorous turncoat, Robbie Deans.
Yes, if there’s one thing I like less than a Blues victory, it’s a Kiwi who departs for the West Island after being given the old ‘wait your turn’.
Yet there are still those – this close to the World Cup – saying Aussie’ll take it out. Sorry you lot, clearly you’ve been part of the temperance movement for a bit too long and need to get a few down you so you’ll see sense.
Here’s the first problem with that theory:
The Queensland Reds are in the Super 15 final. That franchise had 12 representatives in last year’s Wallabies side, four of which didn’t even get to run on the field for the final minutes. Now when Robbie Deans is passing you over on a tour where you lose to Munster and England, on top of getting right royal pumpings from the All Blacks in the Tri-Nations (oh what’s that? You won in Hong Kong? That one match makes up for the 10 abhorations which preceded it then does it?), it hardly inspires confidence.
On top of that, the Reds have nothing to play for. We all know the same mistakes will be made and Quade and Will are gonna be picked for the World Cup (Aussie fans: don’t blame Deans when you don’t make it to the semis, just blame your lack of prodigious talent and send James O’Connor packing).
The Crusaders meanwhile are ready to get up and reclaim what they believe is their rightful place at the top. You can see it in Richie’s eyes. Whenever he sees that trophy he doesn’t want it, he is so selfish he thinks it’s actually his and other teams keep stealing it.
There’s a reason he’s banned from the post-final celebrations, and that’s because any time someone else would touch it, even if they were on his team, he’d bowl them over and knick off with it leaving the huddled masses to pore over the security footage and figure out how he did it (translation for rugby fans from overseas so you feel more at home: ‘figure out how he gets away with such blatant cheating’).
Let us not forget that on top of the Canterbury region deciding it’s sick of being part of the mainland and wants to go and play with the Chathams, the Crusaders haven’t made a final since 2008. They’re hungry.
Not only have they all suffered massive upheavals both in their home lives and travel schedule, they’ve had to go to team meeting after team meeting for the last two years with no cup to show for it.
All Toddy’s going to do for their pre-match speech is play the 2009 Super 14 final on VHS. By half-time he’ll have figured out how to hook his MySky up to the projector, and that’s when he’ll play the 2010 final.
Of course this’ll only have an effect on the longer-established members of the squad. Some of the others may need a little more prodding: here are some suggestions:
Gather the Whitelock boys in a room, and play The Hills Have Eyes. Tell them James Slipper wrote and directed it, claiming it is a documentary on the Whitelock family.
Leave a $100 note lying in the Reds in-goal where Sonny Bill can see it.
Tell Sean Maitland he still has a worse haircut than Conrad Smith.
Tell Zac Guildford his audition tape for the next Twilight movie got sent back to Crusaders HQ with “lol nice try pretty boy!” written on it.
If I were the Reds I’d just do what the high school teams used to do when they knew they were going to get hammered: default.
Then again, on the really small off-chance the Reds do win, at least it’ll still be a Kiwi first-five who kicked them to it, so stick that in ya pipe you Aussie thieves!
3 News