By Patrick Gower
Can you imagine Stephen Wilce trotting off to international defence meetings as New Zealand's representative? Spinning off his "Cool Runnings" bobsled days yarns as seen in the 60 Minutes expose to the Brits and Americans?
Cringe-worthy doesn't begin to describe it. It would be an embarrassment. And now the secret's out, it’s even worse - it’s making international headlines.
Twitter's having a field day about "Wilce-isms". (My personal favourite "I said to Maui 'Use a pipi, you'll catch a really big one'."
It's a mockery. So how did this happen?
We could argue all day here about what spies should - and should not - do. But there's one function they should be on top of: security vetting for top secret classifications.
Basically, this helps the top tiers of government to function. You don't want loose units getting access to insider information - it might be highly commercially sensitive. They could be vulnerable to bribes or blackmail. Or they leak like a sieve to the media and torpedo sensitive policy plans (am I actually saying this?). Or, in the case of Stephen Wilce - be privy to matters at the core of defence and national security.
I used previously unseen 60 Minutes footage in my story last night of Wilce saying he had "top secret" classification - and his role definitely required it.
He's a shining example of why you want to vet your right to check the backgrounds out properly, so you don't have a fantasist who claims to be a Special Forces operative when he's plainly not in a top job...Oh, that's right - whoops!
The Security Intelligence Service has failed badly in its vetting here.
What's going on? In the Heather Roy affair, the SIS were all over her adviser Simon Ewing-Jarvie like a rash and revoked his clearance. And that was just over some petty political war-gaming over a pretty non-descript policy paper about the Territorials. Talk about jumping to attention when politicians start crying.
Then there's Green MP Keith Locke? He literally wouldn't hurt a fly, but they've got the equivalent of a couple of Auckland phone books on the guy.
And I shudder to think about the resources and money spent on monitoring New Zealand's Muslim community in the years since 9/11.
But when it comes to vetting the CV of Stephen Wilce - they drop the ball completely.
There are rumours the SIS is underfunded, and slow to do its vetting. It sounds as if it may even contract it out to an outside private agency - if so, that ain't working too well.
I'm actually all for a spy agency, and one that errs on the side of caution - but it needs to do its job properly.
Its not that hard. 60 Minutes literally just went through the references his CV which quickly turned into the good old can of worms. Thing was, as producer Eugene Bingham explains, reporter Paula Penfold had to go undercover to get the CV off him.
For the spies and Defence chiefs it was a whole lot easier: they could have just walked over to the filing cabinet and got the CV out.
Which brings me to Defence. They've been sitting on their hands on this one.
There was a complaint about Wilce in 2008. Nothing happened. In fact: they spent over $250,000 sending him on a course at The Royal College of Defence Studies in London. He spent eight months of this year on the course. Its name: the "High Responsibility and Strategy Course", no less. Then there was another, and I understand separate, complaint in July this year.
Defence Force chief Jerry Mateparae told me yesterday that this was being investigated. But as Audrey Young points out in the Herald today - that "investigation" hasn't even got around to contacting Momentum, the private company that recruited him. Mateparae initially argued he couldn't say anything in case "whistleblower" legislation was enacted - but then the Lieutenant General admitted there was no whistleblower, but an anonymous letter. He also said it was an "employment issue" - even though Wilce has quit.
Defence Minister Wayne Mapp then looked hopelessly uninformed on the way to Parliament yesterday. He appeared to know nothing, except that Wilce had quit, and he was asking for a "full report".
With Defence investigating since July - and aware of the impending 60 Minutes story for at least a few days - Mapp should have known far more. And if he didn't get it, he should have got on the blower to Mateparae and demanded it.
When the 60 Minutes story broke, I must admit I was left scratching my head for a second. Do we really have a Defence Technology Agency? I mean, who knew?
As such, many have joked that Wilce would have no defence secrets to pass on, such is New Zealand's minnow status.
But we do have secrets. One of his responsibilities was checking the safety of Air Force flights into Afghanistan - like the one Prime Minister John Key took in May.
And its probably not too far a stretch to say there's soldiers out there who's lives have depended on what's he been responsible for.
There'd also be plenty of taxpayer money going on defence contracts, and plenty of important work to do. And it was all in the hands of a guy who'd start talking about inventing the Polaris missile to a reporter posing as recruitment consultant.
I don't think we need to get too wrapped up in conspiracy theories about him being easy to corrupt and swapping secrets with "the enemy". It’s enough that there was a poser in a $250,000 a year job.
The Defence Force are putting the fingers in their ears, hands over their eyes, and hoping this will just go away.
It’s funny, because they are the first to whine about how they are underfunded. But when taxpayer funds have gone up against the wall of a fancy defence college in London, it doesn't seem to matter. It’s pretty arrogant.
A question: what comeback does the taxpayer have on a private recruitment agency when they stuff up? I see Momentum is saying the consultant's left the company. Sorry taxpayer - meet a downside of "contracting out".
Another question: what sort of culture is there inside the Defence Technology Agency and Defence, if a guy like Wilce is able to thrive? 60 Minutes couldn't find an employer in 20 years with a good word to say about him. But Mateparae was full of praise - he's the only one.
A good indication of that culture was seen at Parliament yesterday. Mateparae was appearing before the Foreign Affairs and Defence select committee about the rort that its high-ranking officers double-dipping into United Nations housing allowances. That broke a couple of years ago.
But its still going on. Labour MP Pete Hodgson pointed out that Defence's own "court of inquiry" was due to last two days, took a month, and got nowhere. He said it took the Auditor-General to get in there and get some answers.
Mapp's "full report" will go down the same road. He'll get no real answers out of Defence on this. My prediction is this will shuffle along, there'll be a mish-mash of findings, the private firm will cop some blame, and it'll still be trundling on in a year or two. In other words: nothing will happen.
It’s kind of sad, watching the fine work of the soldiers out doing a fine job helping with the Christchurch earthquake recovery. Or on the frontline in Afghanistan. And then there's the Top Brass - unable to get to the bottom of their own housing rort, and putting up the shutters around Wilce.
What's really needed is for a Minister or two to go to the SIS and Defence, kick the doors down, and tell them "do your job".