By Ali Ikram
While the packed press conference was certainly as gratuitous as an adult movie, the dialogue was far less convincing.
As Tiger Woods alleged mistress, porn star Jocelyn James spoke out for the first time about having her face plastered on a new set of balls – the tail of the Tiger Mistress Collection.
“I have come forward today because I feel that it is wrong for a golf ball to have my face on it, because golfers hit their balls with a lot of force,” she told reporters.
But what does a golf club hitting a ball look like in their world? Fortunately, this being California, high-priced celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred was on hand to demonstrate.
“You see that if a golf club were sued and hit her face it would definitely cause damage at some point – especially if it was used for and entire round of golf…there would be bruises on the woman’s face,” Ms Allred said.
The press smelt a farce, while Jocelyn James – real name Veronica Siwik-Daniels – smelt money.
“As a victim of violence myself, it bothered me to think that someone would be standing with a dangerous club in their hands and hitting a ball with my face on it,” she said.
“We don’t want her face on it. We think it might be used on a golf course – that is generally what a golf ball is for,” Ms Allred said.
The possibility was inescapable.
The Triple X star also believed having faces on golf balls degraded women in a way her previous films Milf Blown, Big Breasted Nurses, and Mama F***** a Black Man hadn’t.
“She stood silently while baselines and other inaccurate attacks were made upon her, when they didn’t understand the length and dept of her relationship with Mr Woods,” says Ms Allred said.
As the world was left to wonder about the length and depth of their relationship, the company making the balls say they are flying out the door.
3 News