Tue, 26 Apr 2011 3:35p.m.
Last month several of my friends stumbled blinking from their technology caves and finally joined Facebook. This is delightful, but how will they know the basic etiquette? Here's how.
Seven Deadly Sins (of Facebook)
1. Application Overuse
So many applications. So many irritating updates.
Farmville. Frontierville. If we're being retro, Mafia Wars. If we're being revolting, Fart Wars, which has a 5-star rating and enables you to "make your friends pull your finger and start the farting war." While a farting war sounds like a pretty good way to solve future international disputes, I do not want to log on to Facebook in the morning and have the first thing I read be, "Pedro has farted on you!"
Pedro has also given me a Sad Brown Cow, presumably to apologise for the farting. I do not want this cow.
2. Liking everything
"Pedro likes Robots! Pedro likes Moose! Pedro likes YouTube! Pedro likes Cereal! Pedro likes Whales!" Damn it Pedro. Everyone likes moose.
3. Pointless Statuses
"I drew a line, I drew a line for you, what a thing to do, it was all yellow"
Song lyrics statuses aren't going to make anyone think you're deep. Best result: "Pedro can't think of an interesting update." Worst: "Pedro is going to urinate on my lawn as a token of his affection."
"SUCH a horrible day."
No, please don't tell me what's wrong! Wait until a whole bunch of people ask, that's much more suspenseful and not even slightly attention-seeking.
"Miss you babyyyyy!! xxx"
Did you know there is a whole section of Facebook called 'Messages?' It is made specifically so that other people do not have to read this vomit-inducing mush.
4. Surprise photo-tagging
I hate being tagged in photos. Partially because I don't want my profile clogged with pictures of me falling over, but mainly because it just seems like good manners to ask before you put a clearly identified photo of someone on the Internet.
Ask first, or this happens.
5. Pointed Bilingualism
You're in France for the holidays! That's nice. But not a reason to post all your status updates in French. One update saying, "Hi, everyone! I am in France, speak French, and hope you are all suitably impressed by my bilingual sophistication" would suffice. You could do one in French, too- oh no wait, none of your friends actually speak it.
6. Spammy Causes
It is a sad but unsurprising fact that liking a cause on Facebook does not have a huge effect on said cause. It is the virtual equivalent of me running into a room and saying, "Hey... hey you guys. I want an ice cream." I have raised ice cream awareness, but I'm not going to get an ice cream.
Please stop inviting me to join your causes. I realise this may come as a surprise, but I don't actually want daily spam from Save the Underprivileged Horse People of Kaiapoi from Space Snakes or whatever it is. "Another Space Snake attack today! When will the council take action? Invite your friends so that they, too, can get these irritating messages."
7. Foursquare Updates
For those unfamiliar with Foursquare you 'check in' at a location and then tell the entire internet where you are, and if you have the most check-ins at one place you become its Mayor. No, I'm not sure why either.
I don't know how many people in NZ use Foursquare because I am a crappy researcher, but it's enough that I frequently get Facebook updates with such scintillating information as, "Pedro just checked in at Pak N Save Northlands!"
Oh Pedro. You are my friend, but I don't care about your trip to the supermarket. I don't even care if you're the Mayor of the supermarket. You.... you know you aren't actually, like, an elected official, right?
Also, I am disappointed that the Swarm badge doesn't mean you've just checked in after getting stung by a whole heap of bees.
So there you go, them's the rules. Must dash as I just stumbled across a page called "Only Bono can Save Christchurch" (608 people like it) and now I have to go and start a cause called "Only You can Save Christchurch from Bono."
On Friday I'll be doing live updates on the Royal Wedding right here. You should read along. It'll be like a bedtime story made up mainly of my disappointment that the royal couple's names don't lend themselves to a snazzy Brangelina-esque pairing - the best I can come up with so far is "Willikate," which sounds like an implication about a part of the body we don't normally discuss in public.