Mon, 21 Feb 2011 10:17a.m.
By Ally Mullord
Good news,
everybody: I'm re-entering the world of dating*! Gentlemen, start your
engi- just kidding, I'm not really interested in gentlemen.
Here's why it's time
to get back on the dating horse:
1) On Valentine's Day I
had a brass band rehearsal. What is less romantic than a brass band? Nothing. I mentioned this to a friend
who said, "It could be romantic! Brass band playing love songs in the
background, someone dropping down on their knee with a rose between their teeth
and proposing..." Whatever.
Apart from anything else, how do you propose effectively with a rose between
your teeth? I tried this and it sounded like "Rill ooo harry eee." I
don't think I'd say yes to a Rill Ooo Harry Eee.
2) I have now reached the
advanced stage of vanity where I put my sunglasses on my head rather than on my
face because they look better there. Obviously this marvellous hotness of mine
needs to be shared before I start wearing them inside at night.
3) I appear to be growing
a beer bottle farm in my room.
It's also time to start
dating because otherwise I will return to my Romantic Screen Saver, and that
never ends well.
Does anyone else have a
Romantic Screen Saver? It's someone that you keep going back to having
a mad crush on when there's no-one else on the radar. Unfortunately
mine is not keen (or in grown-up terms, unreciprocated) so it always ends with
me drunkenly professing my love and then soberly unprofessing it. To avoid
wandering down that soul-crushing path, I am re-entering the dating stratosphere.
I am a rocket of
dateability.
I am hoping to avoid these
terrible ghosts of dating past:
- the truck driver who,
after two beers, invited me to take an overnight truck trip to Blenheim that
very night. Bowed out gracefully by spitting some beer out my mouth and some
more out my nose and saying, "Whaaaat?"
- the American who
started off the date by telling me about his enormous... brain. "In high
school," he said, "I ranked in the 99th percentile." Pause.
"You can't be in the
100th percentile." Oh wow.
- the somewhat
emo personage who had lovely
hair but started the dinner conversation by talking about how he cut off
particularly long toenails and kept them in a jar... then showed me the jar!
Grossest jar ever.
But my personal favourite
date was the Ill-fated Lingerie Moment: this was a fifth or sixth
date and I had purchased a somewhat racy lingerie set for the occasion. After
we had been out for some (quite a few) drinks, I felt it was time for the big
reveal.
"Wow," the
datee said. "Wow, I am dizzy just looking at you!" I glowed with
the pride one can only feel after spending a ridiculous amount of money on
something that barely covers your bum. But then... "Actually," he
said, "I feel really sick."
And as I watched him dash
off for a drunken spew, I realised it was the end of the date.
(Not that I hold it
against him. We remain friends to this day. He is going to love this post. I wonder is he has any
single friends?)
*I was
seeing a pilot but he has removed his microlight from my landing strip and
flown off into the sunset.